I don’t really know where to start in all of this mess. There are some simple truths that I can cling to and in some way, I can’t believe I still have those things. To start, I know God is real and I can see his hand still at work. I still have a small amount of faith that I fit into his plan somehow but I’m not sure where. with the above stated, this is where I am and what is going through my head I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of the spiritual decisions that I’ve been making for the past couple of years. I feel like I’ve gone from the top to the bottom and I’m lost as to what I did to create where I am. I used to lead worship for a great church and now I barely touch my guitar. I was a heavy writer and was dedicated to practice. I was a paid musician, I was super passionate about what I was doing, and I had the love and support of my peers and elders. Not to mention, I was surround by a great group of believers and non believers alike. If you know me personally, then you know that I walked away from that church in pursuit of another. My aim was to grow my music even more. Maybe it sounds like I did nothing wrong but at the time, the way I handled myself as a leader was inappropriate. I made my own decisions without consulting my pastor and friend. And this was on quite a few occasions. but I got what I wanted…right? wrong. I spent 6 to 8 months trying to earn my way onto a team that I soon came to find that I didn’t belong on. My motives were backwards. All I cared about was moving to the next step and playing with more people. The team I wanted to join was filled with people that were chasing after God’s own heart. When I finally was extended an opportunity to try out, I turned it down. I was excited at first but I found myself struggling to prepare myself. I found that when I had what I wanted, I couldn’t follow through with it. My guilt ate me alive and I cancelled my try out twice. I convinced myself that what I truly needed to do was walk away from music altogether, so that is what I did. I put my Taylor in my closet and quit cold turkey. In all of this, I knew I needed to become more involved in the church. I wasn’t really interested in many of the small groups that were in existence so I decided after a while that I would start my own. I now have an activity group based on playing games. Just a group of people fellowshipping while enjoying some friendly competition. So here I am before the world. I feel like all that is in me has to get out. You may not understand where I am and maybe you do. I’m not trying to say my life has been full of failure. I married my best friend and have been learning to live selflessly to support our marriage. I am blessed to have a steady job and some close friends that I share life with. I also love the gaming group I’m leading and feel privileged to get to know the people that come. What I wish to convey is the fact that there is something I miss in life aside from my relationship with God. I miss music. I used to be so passionate about it and couldn’t wait to play every week before a congregation. The problem is that I was overly passionate. I left a place where God had placed me to follow my own ambition. I burned some bridges and that has left me scared to jump back into the game. When I see people playing now, I remember what it used to be like to just play and have fun. Now I wonder if that passion will ever come back. I play once every so often but my talent has slipped so much that playing has become less enjoyable. It feels almost foreign. The big question on my heart right now is this. Will God ever use me for music to further his kingdom again? I’ve made mistakes and abused my talent that God freely gave me. I yearn for something that I know I don’t deserve and yet I can’t help but want it.
striving for answers
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